Suffering from diagnosed “general anxiety and panic disorder,” is wearing me to bones. I feel mostly helpless in every way, nearly every day. Meds help, but only to a point. I wish more people could understand what it feels like to live like this. Every place I want to go I have to worry about. Everything I want to do becomes an internal battle. I’ve quit most of the things I used to love the most, such as DJing DnB to those crazy club kids. I can’t eat out. Movie theaters scare the hell out of me. I’ve quit my band, and find it painful to watch my guitars collect pounds of dust. I’ve lost most of Friends. My girlfriend, who I love so much, understands but inside I know it drives her farther and farther from me. I’m not saying I hate life, I truly love everything about it, except this. People continue to tell me how great I look and how far I’ve come in my treatments, but most days I don’t feel that way.
I’ve suffered from this “disorder” for most of my life. Hiding it from most of the people closest to me, including my family. They know of course, but find it hard to relate to, so talking to friends and family seems worthless or not worth the energy and emotion. I’ve been on every combination of meds imaginable, some working better than others. Now I’ve found a doctor and therapist who have begun to change my life, but the strides forward are so slow through cognitive behavior therapy and meds that actually work, it is still so frustrating. My confidence has begun to come back, but the past still seems to haunt me. To think about it now, I’ve wasted so much of my life in a world filled with anxiety. I guess I’m using this post as a way to talk to myself, which helps, but I know there are thousands of people out there who suffer the same way. Time seems to just fly by, but why haven’t I felt the relief of an anxiety free day? There is so much I’m capable of, but feel held back by something so ridiculous as anxiety. I know this will all eventually pass, but the waiting alone feels like taking steps backwards instead of moving forward. I guess I mean I’m feeling better every day, but only when I face the anxiety head on. I want so much more in life that I know I’m capable of, but getting there takes so must energy and emotion. If you too feel this way too, please help by comments.
Writing this blog is helping me accept the fact that sometimes this is just how life is, and it can only get better. For friends who read this, I hope it gives you a better understanding of why I avoid a lot of situations. For past loves, I hope this helps you understand that it wasn’t you, it was my way of hiding from the reality of having a disorder. For my family, I hope this helps you understand why I keep most of this to myself. For the love of my life, Shannon, I hope you can ride this out with me as I continue to get better and better every day. To her Family, know that I treat and love her more than you will ever know and see on the outside. I’m not weak, I’m not nuts, I’m not a threat to myself or others. It’s just how anxiety works, some things I can do, and there are things I just simply can’t do right now. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and understand that I’m changing into the person I know I can be. If you suffer from the same thing, know that you too can change, and the anxiety and panic will eventually go away completely. I know this in my heart, because every day I become stronger and more in control of my mind and body.